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On Faith, and "Blue Like Jazz"

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

I have a friend named Emily who has one of the most beautiful souls I've ever met. She was also an English major and we went to college together and even had classes together but never really knew each other; even though were meant to, because after I graduated and was visiting Rob almost every weekend in Farmville, Emily and I randomly connected on the internet through our blogs.

Emily was the same year as Rob, and Rob sleeps in, so when I would spend the weekend visiting him, Emily and I would wake up early and meet at the Starbucks at Longwood's Barnes & Noble. We'd drink coffee and sit across from each other at a table and talk about writing, and politics, and being feminist, and love, and our favorite writers and professors and the idiots that we used to date. And we'd talk about God. As I'm writing this, I'm only just now fully realizing how much I miss having those coffee dates. We could sit down, take a sip from our lattes, and look at our watches to realize that two and a half hours had passed in what felt like the blink of an eye. That's a special kind of friend.

I'd like to be more like Emily.

Emily read a lot of good stuff, and she would quote a lot of even better stuff from the good stuff that she read. One time she quoted from a book called Blue Like Jazz, and I didn't even know what the book was about, but I memorized what she quoted instantly and it has stuck with me for more than two years:

"There is something beautiful about a billion stars held steady by a God who knows what He is doing. (They hang there, the stars, like notes on a page of music, free-form verse, silent mysteries swirling in the blue like jazz.)"--Donald Miller

I finally picked up the book last week, and as I held it in my hands I hoped and wished and prayed for something big to come of my reading it. I should mention that I have struggled with a few things in my life, and a more recent one is my faith. I don't mean this in a way that suggests that I can't decide whether or not I believe in God, because it feels much more complicated to me than that. I do believe in God, and I always will. My issues are more religious than spiritual.

The beliefs I held growing up were much different from the ones I hold now, and until recently that bothered me because I grew up in the Catholic church where there is a Hell and it's not hard to get there, and once I got to college I started to realize that I didn't believe most of those things. The person I had to learn to forgive was actually myself, because I had really disappointed the old me. Who the hell is this hippie?, I asked myself. It was me. That is me.

The hardest part of my journey so far has been accepting the fact that I don't think everyone has to believe in God just because I do. It is something that I believe so strongly today, but an idea that I rebelled against furiously in my ridiculous and conservative teenage years (so yeah, now you know--I wasn't really that cool of a teenager.)

I finished Blue Like Jazz and was reminded to be nice, to try to love everybody, and to take some time every day to revel in the awe and wonder of the universe and its possibilities. Donald Miller may have meant to give me something else, but that's what I took away from it. As usual, I managed to remove religious particulars and focus on the general spirituality of the thing.  I guess that's why he calls it "Christian spirituality" and not just "Christianity."  I think I might prefer to take it further and just focus on "spirituality." The biggest thing I took from Blue Like Jazz is a reminder of how important love is. Love, love, love.

I will still go to bed every night and whisper thank you, thank you, thank you, knowing to myself that I'm talking to God but not necessarily wanting to say it because you might not believe that, and I think that's okay. My thoughts still haven't changed. But I feel a lot better about them today than I did yesterday.

I obsess over labels, and I wish I could stop. I am neither a Democrat nor a Republican, but insist on considering myself to be a Libertarian; and I am growing closer every day to identifying myself as an agnostic even though technically I might just be a confused Christian who is uncomfortable with using the word "Christian." I always wish I could stop applying labels and just be Megan, and thankfully my reading of this text has helped me to slow down and just focus on believing what I believe.

So, it doesn't always have to be some huge epiphany. You can even disagree with the author who teaches you something, which, a lot of the time, I did. Sometimes, all you need is a positive nod from someone or something that reassures you that you're on the right track. Does that even make sense? I think it does.

So thanks, Don. And as always, thanks, Emily--let's get coffee soon.

19 comments:

  1. Wow I am going through this same journey right now as well. Like down to the political leanings and all. I have been raised Catholic and starting going to the Catholic church in college but this year don't know how I feel about it. I love the people and I full heartedly believe in God but it's hard because I don't agree with a lot of the Catholic church. So where do I stand? It's such a hard line to draw.

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    1. It can be hard! I've found that the most productive thing I've done so far is to just let go and not worry so much.

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  2. This all makes a lot of sense and I have many of the same feelings . I was raised Catholic and will raise any child(ren) I have Catholic but I am not religious. I believe in a higher power of some sort but I also believe in science and think there is a way to explain most things.

    I still say the same prayers that were ingrained in my brain every night and I still feel comfort in the catholic church, even though I only partially believe.
    I really have a problem with religion and the way humans have screwed up and used it to defend their hateful beliefs and behaviors.

    So I guess I have a problem with humans :).

    Great post, Megan!

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  3. labels and religion have had such a complicated relationship for the past kajillion years... don't feel alone in struggling to define who you are or what you believe! but I - and all your readers, I'm sure - am honored to share this journey of discovery with you.

    I'd recommend a book called "Dynamics of Faith" by Paul Tillich. It's intense. It's not about religion, only about faith, and asks some amazing questions and (even better) doesn't admit to having concrete answers. I want to read his "Systematic Theology" but I'm not sure if I'm ready!

    here's more info about Tillich... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paul_Tillich

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    1. Thank you for the recommendation! I need to read more books like this ;)


      http://frenchpresstights.blogspot.com/

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  4. I think we might have very similar beliefs.

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  5. This is one of my favorite articles that you've ever written. There is so much substance to everything you've written. There no point in getting into personal stories and anecdotes, but I would like to say, that by writing this you've helped and affected people. And is beautiful. And that is an outpouring of love.

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    1. Thank you so much! That means a lot to me. I'm so glad you enjoyed it.

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  6. I want an Emily in my life! And by that I mean, I wish I had a friend close enough (distance not relationally) to have regular coffee dates with. Like you said, there is just something about sitting there for hours that don't feel like hours sipping a latte and being totally focused on just being there together.

    I liked what you saud about evrything not having to be an epiphany. Somethings just come quietly and slowly. Sometimes they come and we understand but it's a surprise. We weren't looking and we don't really even know how we came to understand or believe. John Piper has said that it's not books or chapters but sentences that impact people. Keep reading, keep searching, keep loving. God is most definitely there and whether any of us believe it or not, He's up to something pretty awesome!

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  7. labels are the root of all evil, in my opinion. I'm kind of at a similar point with trying to figure out my spirituality, but I'm okay with there not being a label. that just makes it a pain to try to explain to people though.

    also, I love that you posted something "real" like you've been wanting to. and let me just say (again) that I wish we loved closer so we could have Saturday morning coffee too :)

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  8. I think sometimes we underestimate the significance of love and faith themselves. They don't need to be associated with religion to be valid and potent.

    At one point, several years ago, I also tried to pinpoint my own beliefs, but eventually I settled into loving and believing in a very unstructured sort of way. It feels natural. As you said, the most important thing is love.

    During that search for a belief system, though, I recall appreciating Transcendentalism. I feel like it's something you might enjoy reading about. (You probably did in high school English, actually!)

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  9. I agree with your thoughts on it takes some time for old me to not be disappointed with new me. I'm in that phase and I'm trying to figure out how to get out of it. It hurts my brain a lot, hopefully it'll ride its course soon though...

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    1. I think it will! It's definitely bizarre to be disappointed in yourself for your beliefs, but I've been there! We just have to move forward!

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  10. Personal Journey alert: ;)

    I read BLJ and I watched the movie. It was a very powerful thing to watch. It caught me during a very "Confused" time in my ~religious/spiritual life.

    I, too, struggle with labels. I went though a time where I couldn't figure out my Label when it came to beliefs, it broke me. I was completely out of the loop and nothing made it alright. I couldn't go to a church and feel right, because I couldn't sit with the Group I was labeled with like all the others in the church. Then.... it happened. I just stopped. I spent years hating church, hating religion and in the end it destroyed me and my 4 year relationship (as I assume and ponder 2 years later).

    Until this year I would sit in church and stare in the distance. I was there but only to make myself better. And I wasn't. Then one day I picked up BLJ. For me it was a light. I've never read a book like it before. It wasn't a beat it into me book, it didn't make me feel bad for not being exactly God image... it made me feel normal and LOVED.

    It makes me wonder how many people go though their lives feeling unloved (in the deeper sense)?!?! I just knew God would hate me! I mean here I was drinking beer, kissin' on all the boys, even sometimes smoking a cigarette! *GASP*

    I believe in God and if there was a span of 3 seconds I had to give the perfect description of Jesus to someone, you know what i'd say? "Love." That's all. Because all the other is the other, but what we need to promote is Love, because it's what we CAN control, how we make others feel.

    I'm glad you posted this and I know it took a lot to write it! GO WATCH THE MOVIE ;)


    http://frenchpresstights.blogspot.com/

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    1. Thanks for sharing! I'll have to check the movie out for sure!

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  11. Very brave of you, Freckles. Very introspective. Did you know there is scientific MRI evidence that some people's brains are just not wired for religion? I felt so relieved to know there was real data to justify what I had always felt. Even when I was a little girl, sitting in hard wooden pew at the La Porte Community Church, I would look around me at everyone with their heads bowed, eyes closed, and praying silently. I don't remember ever praying. I do remember wondering what they were all praying for, and if they actually believed in God. Or, where they all there just to sit through the service quietly so they could go get Mexican food at El Toro afterward.

    I read somewhere that most people need religion because it is too scary not to believe in something bigger than yourself. And the fear of hell and damnation keeps most people between the lines of moral righteousness. So, in that sense, most people don't "choose" to be good - they just keep it between the metaphorical white lines. Therefore, people who don't believe in something bigger than themselves must choose to be good. Bad things happen when good people stand by and do nothing. Being good and doing the right thing is hard. And admirable. And religion is not required.

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    1. Gayla, that is good to know. And I had no idea! It makes so much sense. I do think religion is important for a lot of people because it does give them that security and the feeling that they're part of something bigger than themselves. I love feeling like I'm part of something bigger than myself, but I'm starting to learn that that doesn't necessarily mean what it used to for me.

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  12. Just found your delightful blog and love this post. I, too, feel trapped by labels, but "Christian" is one that I am thankful I have. However, I too struggle with complete confidence in belief and feeling that God is near. But I know that's usually my own issue because I am not seeking him out or trying to know him better. I am just living my own life my own way, doing my own thing and worrying about my labels and my identity and my success. Our lives could be so much bigger, so much more meaningful, if we chose to find our meaning and purpose on earth in Someone greater and more powerful than our little selves. I have found God to be a God of all comfort when I was aching and a place to center myself and who I am in this messy world when nothing else made sense.

    Please keep reading, and keeping meeting with people who know God and want to think about and address these things. I love your honesty and would love to hear more. :-)

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  13. What an amazing post, you truly moved me and have inspired me to move forward on my personal journey. Thank you <3

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