HOME       ABOUT       WHAT I WORE       RECIPES       FAQ       CONTACT       SPONSOR       BLOGROLL             
- Freckled Italian has moved, find me here! -

This Constant Transition

Thursday, October 31, 2013



There are days where I get a lot done. I feel good about my decision to be self-employed during this time in my life. I write. I read. I cook and take photos. I clean and do laundry. I work with Cave Girl clients. I write some more. There is time to go to the gym and there is time to think about dinner and there is time to talk to my friends, online and now on the phone, something I barely found time for before this. I hang out with new friends and I do yoga headstands in my living room. I love my blog and the apartment is organized and I'm just so happy.

And there are days where I don't get a lot done. I feel panic about life and my decision to be unemployed during this time. I randomly apply for jobs. I don't write. I wonder where more Cave Girl clients can be found. I think about essays I want to get on paper and then practically watch them float right out of my head and to wherever it is that good ideas go to die. I spend a lot of time watching a capella groups on YouTube. I leave laundry in the dryer for a week. I don't plan dinner. I decide not to go to the gym and then beat myself up over all the time I have and how little I am doing with it. I feel like Rob and I are alone in this city and I hate my blog and there's crap all over the floor and I just feel so anxious.

I think the biggest struggle so far has definitely been in learning to be kinder to myself. In learning to accept this season as the huge blessing that it is. In trying to be successful, whatever that might mean; and trying not to feel like a failure, whatever that might mean. To feel lucky and blessed, but to do it without guilt.

Rob has been so wonderfully supportive. When I panic and apply for fifteen random jobs I find on Craigslist (this happens more often than I'd like to admit), he tells me that if I want to get a job while we're here, I should get one, but to remember that it might get in the way of my goals to do other things this year. And it's true. With the uncertainty of how long we'll be here and where we'll go next (not to mention the two weeks I'm planning to spend in Virginia for Thanksgiving, closely followed by ten days for Christmas), it's hard to be taken seriously in an interview.

I managed to get in touch with a staffing agency who is starting to throw part-time gigs my way, which will give me a reason to dress up and get out of the house while simultaneously making a little money. Offices need receptionists and copywriters, and I have pretty free afternoons most of the time. My blog has been paying my student loans since August, which was a huge goal I made before I moved and actually sometimes can't believe I'm meeting, but it will feel good to contribute something more to our household income.

Moving to Minnesota felt like it would be the end of a huge transition, but I'm starting to accept the fact that life is just a series of changes. One day I might wake up and feel like my feet are finally firmly planted where they're supposed to be, but I know it won't be tomorrow, and I think that's okay.

Photo credit: V.A. Photography

20 comments:

  1. Transitions are so tough. I know this feeling well and even after getting settled (after moving across the country without a job), I still have those moments of panic and uncertainty. All I know is I love reading your blog, so you're definitely doing something right.. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  2. I love the honesty of this post! I'm about to start my "creative business" working from home and at times it can be extremely exciting and other times extremely lonely and frustrating. Keep on truckin! x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much! It definitely feels worth it some days and not so much on others!

      Delete
  3. That last part is so, so true Megan. We are constantly in transition and I don't think that ever goes away. Being a writer and a creative person can be such a blessing - but sometimes it makes us SO aware of how we feel - to a fault. I have been exactly where you are now - only minus the "choice" to be unemployed, and minus the blog to pay my student loans - but the feelings during that time in my life sounds exactly like this. I can only say, once it passes, like all things, you realize the purpose it had. You'll see it soon :) sending lots of love and happy halloween XOXOX

    ReplyDelete
  4. You are so brave and have done so much already. Could you do more? Sure, we all could, at all phases of our journey, but you are exactly were you need to be right now. I love you and am so proud of you. Mom

    ReplyDelete
  5. Your post is such a familiar feeling, Megan. I'm sure you've heard the quote "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." I still haven't found a place yet where I feel like "my life" is what it is going to be in a static state. I have discovered after hitting a lot of the big "adult" milestones like getting married, finding jobs, having kids, moving, moving, and more moving that what we're all doing right now is living our lives. That changes, but that doesn't make you blogging today and cooking dinner tonight any less "your life" than the life of you coming home from an office or taking your kids to the zoo in ten years. When you said accepting that life is a series of changes you were definitely onto something. It is. And these changes make up the story of your life... every day, fully lived.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Such a good point, Kate. I'm like the president of missing previous seasons of my life, and I think a lot of that is because I'm always so focused on what's next. I really want to work on being not just content but happy and thankful for where I am each and every day.

      Delete
  6. I know I am quite a bit older than your average reader, and my input can come from a very different perspective than your peers, but this post makes me feel all motherly toward you this morning. I want to snuggle you in a blanket and feed you warm cookies and watch tv all day while it rains outside like crazy. All this swirling feelings just make you normal. And wanting to work through those feelings makes you proactive.

    You are going to be great, Freckles!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Gayla! Cookies and a blanket at your house doesn't sound so bad!

      Delete
    2. P. S. Read Ellen Langer's book 'Mindfulness' on one of your free afternoons.
      And you are welcome here anytime, whether passing through on your way someplace else, or on purpose!

      Delete
  7. Megan,
    You know me and my life story and I'm a little older then your followers. Just a little bit lol. You know what's going on in my life right now and it's just as much change as I have had all my life. But I feel like I created it because I always have new goals and dreams. I feel Like I have accomplished a lot of my dreams and goals and that makes me feel good about myself. But I have days like you and beat myself up for this and that even though by most standards I would think I fit into the successful category. The thing is you are like me and you always have dreams and goals. You know my philosophy that we create our on reality and you do that by putting your goals out to the universe ( God, put whatever word works for you) and the universe starts working on sending you people and opportunities to get you to achieve your goals. The problem is that tricky universe never gets you to your goals the way you planned to get there. The ride can feel like a roller coaster some times and it feels scary. That's why I think a majority of humans hate change because it's scary so they stop dreaming. They say nooo thanks last time I had a dream it scared the crap out of me I'm never doing that again. So they live very non eventful lives and they may be happy because they don't have to have that fear and change as much. But that life is not for you or me and it seams like a lot of your followers. Nope, we are dream chasers. You just have to let go and enjoy the ride even when it feels like a roller coaster and scares the shit out of you ( sorry is that allowed here lol). We are following the road less traveled and I wouldn't do it any other way. When I go you and Sean are probably going to have to finish 6 to 8 goals I'm in the middle of lol. You are great at this, look at all the stuff the universe has sent you to achieve your goals . Your not just a Cave girl, your also a dream chasing universe roller coaster riding wild woman saying "come on I got more dreams" send me what ever you got, I have some big dreams. Sorry for the long post but my coffee just kicked in but I have to go, my roller coaster just pulled up.
    Love being your Dad
    Dad

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Dad! You're pretty great. Love you!

      Delete
    2. Your dad is being so precious right now, I can't stand it!!!

      Delete
  8. I need this today . . . thank you! Beautifully said as always!

    ReplyDelete
  9. It sounds like you've got some pretty great successes you can celebrate, and others on the way that you may not be able to achieve if you have a traditional, 9-5 job. Sometimes, though, there's nothing wrong with leaving the laundry and the dryer and just taking a break. We all need a little time off to do absolutely nothing.

    ReplyDelete
  10. There's nothing I can really add that everyone else hasn't already said, except this (re: not having to have a job): http://mrwgifs.com/adam-sandler-wants-you-to-cherish-being-young-in-billy-madison/

    You'll look back on these days with so much longing someday...

    ReplyDelete
  11. Change is always hard. But I look back on every part of my life that had the most crazy transitions happening, and can see that those were the times when I grew the most. Ultimately those periods of uncertainty shape you into a better person because they push you out of your comfort zone. I think you are doing the exact right thing - taking your time to experience all the highs and lows of the changes happening in your life! I love you and am always here!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Also I just cried/laughed so hard reading your dad's comment. YEAH DAN!

    ReplyDelete
  13. This post is a timely one for me and spoke to my daily back n forth as well. This past summer I quit my job to move with my husband to a teeny tiny town so that he could pursue law school. Some days I feel like things are as they should be at this time in our life, marriage etc. Other days I feel utterly useless and that I have no purpose, nothing that I do that makes me, me. Between your post and your father's sweet response I feel like I was able to shake it off a little and redirect my sights. People tell me I'll miss this time someday lol I suppose you will too. Thanks.

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...